My boy, five months old.

In the last three years, I’ve become more and more crunchy as I’ve progressed in this journey of motherhood. Starting with my unmedicated birth(s), and bed sharing and co-sleeping, and exclusive breastfeeding and nursing on demand, and baby wearing, and baby led weaning and now I’m about to undertake cloth diapering since Zoe is potty trained.

But this week I started sleep training Noah. And that is the antithesis of crunchy. Before you stone me, hear me out.

When Noah was 14 days old, a switch was flipped.  He abruptly changed from the most docile, sweet, tender baby to … I don’t know how to describe it.  He began to cry incessantly and he was miserable all day long. He was comforted by NOTHING.  Not me, not breastfeeding (that seemed to infuriate him even more), not being held, or bounced, or being worn in the sling, or riding in the car.  NOTHING.  He wouldn’t take a paci, he wouldn’t take a bottle with my breast milk. He cried in the swing, he cried in the bath, he cried in my arms, he cried in my mother’s arms, in my husband’s arms.  HE CRIED ALL DAY LONG till he turned about 8 months old.  It was numbing, and in fact, very difficult to connect with a baby that (seemingly) refuses you.

I exhausted every medical and homeopathic resource I could find. I don’t even want to talk about it because I’m still raw from everything that I tried to do for Noah and how nothing worked.  It’s only been since the end of Christmas that Noah has appeared to turn a real corner.

I will mention, and this is important, that we did find that Noah was tongue and lip tied. We had the ties removed through a very brief laser procedure by a dentist when he was five weeks old.  This brought immediate help for Noah in regards to his ability to stay latched. But even after the procedure, his latch still had some big problems; Noah continued to suck in air while he fed. I did every trick in the book to fix his latch, but it was the placement of his tongue that was the problem. Eventually, between four and five months, Noah finally started to thrust his tongue forward enough while nursing that it formed a proper seal around my breast and he no longer sounded like he was getting the last slurps of a drink with a short straw.  If you are interested in reading more on tongue and lip tie, here is a great resource for information on the identification and treatment of ties: http://www.kiddsteeth.com/articles.html

Through all of this, to say that Noah never really slept well, is an understatement. He woke anywhere from 8-12 times at night. I  managed by bed sharing and allowing Noah to use me as a paci all night long.

(Side note, I remember teaching childbirth classes with Noah in the sling and having him latched on to me through the entire class – a three-hour class. It was the only way I could keep him content.  I know what it’s like to be a human pacifier.)

Noah’s nine months old now and still not sleeping more than two hours at night.  But it’s more than that.

It’s me putting him to sleep in the crib at 8pm (he started climbing out of the co-sleeper at seven months) and having to go in every 30 to 45 minutes to soothe him back to sleep.  By ten at night he would usually settle down enough and sleep till midnight, (at that point he would join us in our bed) and then after that he would wake every hour or less.  I would nurse him and put him back in the crib next to our bed and pat him back to sleep. 

Of course, he got his first set of teeth at 4 months and then six more teeth, came in before his 9th month.  In fact those six teeth came in six weeks time, all the while he was diagnosed with a double ear infection. I was consoled by reminding myself that Noah’s teething, he’s miserable, he needs me, he needs to nurse right now.  I will give him everything he needs to help him get through this rough patch.

And I did.

But now he’s not teething anymore, and he doesn’t have an ear infection anymore, and he’s eating solids now, and he’s sleeping well during the day.

And then Peter left for a school trip for 16 days. And one night, while he was gone, I lost my mind and I got so angry at Noah (it was the third time he had woken up in the hour and probably the 10th or 11th wake up of the evening) that I yelled at him.  I mean flat-out loudly growled at my baby, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NOAH GO TO @#!@ing SLEEP!” and threw a pillow across the room. My son looked terrified of me and cried even louder.

At that moment, I saw myself, as if looking down from above and watching the scene play out like a movie, and it made me take pause. What a horrible mother I was being to my son right then and that was not okay.  In fact, I got scared of my escalating emotions towards my son, and being alone, I stepped out of my bedroom, with a blanket and pillow in hand, and left my son crying in his crib. I was so wound up tight with emotional angst and burn-out that I had to leave Noah in order to get a grip.

I went to our living room and stretched out on the couch and put the pillow over my ear so I couldn’t hear him cry and I tried to slow my breathing down.  I wondered who I could call at 3:45 to confide in and if I did call anyone what would they think of me losing it.  I wondered If I should call Peter and tell him to come home from Europe early because I couldn’t handle the stress of parenting without him.

Noah finally stopped crying and fell asleep after a little while.  I was grateful.  But, trust me, I didn’t fall asleep.  I scoured my emotions and piled on the guilt and eventually after a lot of mental punishment, went to sleep.

Noah woke at 6 that morning.  He gave me smiles and we nursed and cuddled and I told him how sorry I was and told him we had to make some changes so that I could be the best mommy for him.

I knew I had to do something.

I had turned into an ugly mommy from lack of sleep. I had no patience for my sweet, talkative, almost three-year-old and no patience for my adorable, chunky baby boy, and practically nothing was left for Peter.  I had nothing to offer my family during the day, because I was giving it all away at night. And that is not how I want to mother my children.

Something needed to change.

That’s when I decided that I would let Noah cry-it-out.

You see, I’ve been trying gentle sleep training methods for about two months, using a bed time routine, staying with him till he falls asleep, not letting him cry when in the crib.  Everything I did with Zoe (and that worked well with her) was not working with Noah.

(I should add, that Zoe didn’t sleep through the night till she was around a year old and often woke up 2-3 times at night, and I took no issue with that.  I always nursed her and or gave her cuddles and put her back to sleep.  I’m telling you this to clarify that waking 2-3 times a night isn’t a problem for me.  What is a problem for me and my entire family is a baby waking 10-15 times a night and needing to be nursed and patted to sleep every time he woke.)

When I put Noah down for his first nap that morning we nursed, we cuddled, he was sleepy, his eyes were closed … I placed him in the crib, told him I loved him, and instead of my usual – which was patting his bottom until he was fast asleep, I laid him in the crib and walked away. Noah began to cry in protest. 

But this time, when I walked away, I felt okay, I felt calm and peaceful inside. I felt in touch with my deep love of my son and my resolve to do this out of great care for him and out of respect for my personal boundaries as a mother.  I knew I was doing what was best for my entire family by walking away. Noah cried on and off for 8 minutes or so and then slept for three hours. The longest nap he’s taken since his days of napping in the swing.

After two days of training, on the third night, Noah slept through the night. (I had every intention of going to him and comforting him if he woke, but he didn’t)  On our forth day of sleep training, when I put Noah in the crib he briefly cried for 15 seconds then he fell asleep. On our fifth night, Noah woke up once, fussed a little, and before I could even get to him (I was tending to my daughter who had just thrown up), Noah went back to sleep and didn’t wake up again till 7am.  The amazing thing is, he woke up happy, content even.

And you know what? Since getting such good sleep Noah has hardly fussed at all during the days, and seems to enjoy life more, and so do I.  I can tell you as a result of having a happier baby that I’m cuddling with him more and engaging with him more – and in the long run that’s pretty darn important.

So, for everyone who wrote me privately on facebook wondering what my magical sleep training technique was, there you have it, good old fashioned cry-it-out. Which, under normal circumstance, I don’t usually recommend.

However, in this case, it has proven to be the best move for us  - allowing me to be a better mother to my son and daughter.

DISCLAIMER

• Here is a source describing why CIO method is damaging to our children: Dr. Sears
• Here is a source that says CIO studies are often misinterpreted (defining extended crying) and the lesser of evils: Isabela Granic
• Under normal circumstances, I prefer gentle sleep training methods and really like the books The 90 Minute Sleep Solution and No Cry Sleep Solution
• I would like to give credit to this blogger, Baby Rabies, for even giving me the guts to write about this:  Though Shalt Not Write About Letting Babies Cry

He Qi, "Moses Striking the Rock", 2002.

FTP stands for Failure to Progress.  It’s applied to a woman whose contractions do not bring cervical changes.  I feel like I have writers FTP. Like my ability to write about my personal life has stopped dilating.  I actually told Peter the other day that I want to write so bad and when I try nothing happens.  I told him in earnest that I have this big ‘ole word-baby in side of me and I’m stuck at 9.5cm for 8 hours with a cervical lip and I’m siting forward leaning over the toilet to get the lip to move and it’s just stuck and if I push then my cervix will swell and well…gosh.  See. You get it.

My Placenta

I want to write about how I had my placenta encapsulated. I want to show y’all pictures of it and how it was done in my own kitchen and how taking my placenta pills made a huge difference for me in combating postpartum depression.  But nope, nothing to write about there. I’m afraid people will freak out if I show pics of placenta on the internet  anyway.  And who does that stuff?  That’s disgusting, you may never read my blog again if I post pics of my placenta.

Government aid

I want to write about how 70% of  folks who receive food stamps are white Americans.  Why do I want to write about that? Because Peter and I receive food benefits and I hate that I feel stigmatized by it. I also hate the idea that we think that the typical person who receives government aid is uneducated, lazy and taking advantage of the system – and certainly not white. I want to write about how having the government’s help, including food benefits, WIC, and medical coverage for my entire family, has been a life saver for us during this season of Peter being in school full-time. I’m GRATEFUL for these programs and the funding they receive from all of us tax payers. I’m grateful for how they’ve enabled Peter and I to have one less thing to worry about.  What a blessing that we’ve always got good food on the table and we’re all insured, which is more than most Americans right now.

Mothering

I want to write about how hard mothering Noah has been. How it’s been the most difficult thing I’ve journeyed through as a person ever. I want to write about how Peter and I are scared to have another child for fear that we wouldn’t be able to keep our shit together with having to face another season of what we’ve just been through and what we’re still going through.  I want to write that you can love your child with every fiber of your being but not enjoy mothering. I want to write this so that I shatter the misconception that mothering is easy and angelic and that it comes out of you like soup from a red and white Campbell’s can.  No, the experience of mothering can feel like  Moses angrily striking the rock of your soul for water.

Leaving my community

I want to write about the struggle it was and is for me to leave my birth community behind in Denton, TX.  To say goodbye to the women who mentored me. The women who caught my babies, the women who sparked my life with fire and love of this calling.  I want to write about how desperately I wish I could hold a laboring mother’s hand while she breathes out her contraction. How I literally dream about it at night and wake up with a dull ache in my heart because I can’t work births right now.  I am near tears as I tell you I haven’t worked a birth since March.  MARCH.  Oh my God.  I feel desperate.

Zoe

I want to write and say that Zoe gave up her paci and sleeps in her big girl bed and is potty trained and how she says “What in the what?” as an exclamation and how she is counting to 20 and knows all her letters and colors and shapes and every animal there is to name and she’s not even three yet. I want to write about how much she’s becoming her own little person who is independent and thinks and talks and how I am already having to step further back and let her be Zoe without my hovering mother heart, and that’s hard.

Noah

I want to write and say that Noah is my furry and my joy.  He’s my mirror to my own heart and I’ve been humbled by mothering him and awakened to a greater level of seeing my own soul. I want to tell you that I’ve prayed in the midnight hour to ask God to help me “fall in love with my son the same way I fell in love with my daughter.”  I hold his chubby frame in my arms and feel this overwhelming urge to protect him from my failures as the imperfect mother that I am.  I want to write about how much I love his handsome little face, and  when he smiles my heart puffs up in pride. I want to tell you how easily he smiles and laughs (far easier than Zoe ever did at this age).  I want to write about how he looks at me with a cock-eyed grin that makes me think that he’s flirting with me.  I want to write about how when I nurse him, he reaches up his starfish little hand and pats my face like he’s saying, “It’s okay, momma. I know. I know.”  I want to write about how I hope he marries a brunette girl, because I’m his mom, and I’m brunette and I want him to love a girl that’s like me.

Marriage

I want to write about how much Peter and I have been forced to grow in our relationship with each other.  How this intense time of transition this year has sifted us and revealed our hearts. I want to confess that when I was upset with the place our relationship was in Peter asked me what I was going to do about it and how that knocked the wind out of me and made me think … he’s right, what am I going to do about it.  I want to tell you how deep I had to dig to get honest about my own issues and really talk things through to a peaceful resolved end; till we could look at each other and really know, we’re together…we understand and we’re going to be just fine.

The Living of it

I want to write about how I am okay. How this is all normal and a part of life and that this IS what life is about.  The living of it.  The very living of it. The living of it.  The very living of it.

I want to say I’m happy for the changes and the future in front of us.  I want to tell everyone not to feel sorry for me because I’m managing and doing alright and I’m actually quite content and feeling very connected on the inside.

I want to write and say I love our new home. I love our granite kitchen counter tops and my ceramic tiled shower.  I love La Grange and that I can walk to the Metra, to the library, to the thrift store and most importantly, to Trader Joe’s.

I want to write and tell you that we’re beginning to thrive here.  Beginning to, not yet, but we will.  Because I know us, because we’re not afraid of hard places. Because sometimes when Moses strikes the rock – water does pour out.

I want to write and tell you that I may post pictures of my placenta on my blog.

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Hi readers! Here is Beth’s fourth interview!  If you want to catch up and get a little more familiar with Beth, go read her first interview by clicking here, read her second interview by clicking here and read her third interview by clicking here. Enjoy!

So sweet!

Please give a brief description of yourself, and what number baby/birth you’re sharing with us.

I am a mother of five describing the birth of my fourth child.

What was your due date, and what was your baby’s birth date?

EDD:  10/18

Born: 10/10

What was your baby’s weight and length?

 Elisha Andrew, 8 pounds 5 ounces, and 21 inches long.

Beth, the day she gave birth to Elisha.

Please give a brief, one paragraph synopsis of your birth.

I tested positive for Group B Strep and lived 50 minutes from the birth center with a history of precipitous labors.  With this in mind my midwife and I scheduled a non-medical induction.  We arrived in the morning for membrane stripping, pumping and walking.  My husband was tired of this routine because he hates walking.

Contractions progressed and we had one more dose of antibiotics before we’d have to send for some at a special pharmacy.  So we decided to break my water.  They could not get the tub filled fast enough for me.  Love it!  I just hungered to be in the tub.  I was practically begging asking what I could do to get in the tub.  Not because I was in terrible pain but because I seriously love laboring in the water.  Finally it was full and I was allowed to slip into its wonderful depths.

But the water did not make me as comfortable as it had my first water birth so I was disappointed.  I was irritated by the contractions until Jeanne told me that it might help if I bear down a little.  I did and it helped tremendously.  I think it must have been the final cm or so of my cervix opening fully.  Because after just a few contractions of that we were pushing for real.

Baby boy was born within an hour of me getting in the water.

Since Beth was GBS+ she received antibiotics during her labor. Here Beth is given her first dose by the midwife.

What did you do to prepare for your labor and birth?  Did it help?

I walked a lot and took evening primrose oil.  I believe this helped my cervix be prepared.

What did you like about your birth experience, if anything?

 I like that things went as planned because that really fits my personality.

What did you not like about your birth experience, if anything?

I did not like being positive for Group B Strep.  The antibiotics cramped my style.

Beth's husband accurately portrays how he would look if he were giving birth.

What surprised you about your contractions/labor?

I was surprised that I was a little more vocal during this labor than others.  It was surprising to me that Jean coached me so tenderly to bear down right before the pushing phase.  She could see in my body language and face that something needed to happen.  I love how perceptive midwives are.

In reflection, would you do anything differently, either before the birth, during or after?

I would take more pictures.  It is hard to remember details years later.   But images always bring them rushing back.

What do you remember the most about your birth?

 I remember thinking that this “formula” of non-medical induction was really working for me.

Beth, power walking laps at the gym, getting her labor going

Mike is getting worn out - giving birth is hard work.

How was your birth experience different from what you imagined it to be like?

I would have liked to have not had Group B Strep.  The next time I got pregnant I did everything there was to prevent it and that worked!

What were your immediate emotions about yourself and or your birth experience after the birth? 

I was so proud to be a mommy again.  It really never gets old.

The midwife listens to baby's heart rate and checks fetal positioning.

Laboring on the ball. Please notice how Beth is sitting in a nice deep and open squat. Knees far apart and toes pointing out. This is an excellent labor position!

How would you describe your recovery?

My recovery was about 6 weeks.  Nothing bad nor good to note.

How has your perspective of your birth experience with Elisha’s changed since the first week of having him?

My perspective is the same.  I adored every minute of Elisha’s birth.

Did you learn anything about yourself through this experience?

I learned that I am really good at giving birth.  With two hospital births and two waterbirths under my belt I still am in awe of the power in women to do this kind of work.

Active labor has arrived

Would you recommend having a natural childbirth or medicated childbirth to other women?

I recommend natural childbirth to every woman who is open to the idea.  I think it’s good to hear the bad and good of both sides of the experiences to find where you fit on the spectrum.

Any further thoughts, comments or advice you would like to share?

This was the birth after which I first considered eventually becoming a midwife.  My kids and I got to hear a woman give birth while we were waiting for an appointment one day.  It’s just amazing.  Every. Single. Time.

Jean Sala, CNM holding sweet Elisha!

It’s baaaaaack…

My postpartum hair loss arrived with a vengeance.  I had known to expect it because I had experienced it with Zoe.  But, like all things with my sweet son, this time, the experience was completely different.  My hair started falling out six weeks postpartum and finally stopped at six months.   The clumps that fell out when I washed my hair were the size of soft-balls.   Fortunately, I have always had very thick hair, so the loss wasn’t noticeable to others when they looked at me.  But I noticed.  I went from wrapping my pony-tail holder (What are they called? Elastics?) twice around my pony-tail to, by the end of the postpartum hair loss, needing to wrap it FOUR times.  The good news is that I finally have that cool, flat, sleek, straight hair look.  Up till then, I’ve always had bushy-wig-looking-hair (thick hair isn’t always awesome, y’all).  The bad news is that it’s growing back in, and it’s sticking straight up out of the top of my head.

ps. It’s also grey.

Hi readers! Here is Beth’s third interview.  If you want to catch up and get a little more familiar with Beth, go read her first interview by clicking here and read her second interview by clicking here. Enjoy!

Beth laboring in the tub

Please give a brief description of yourself, and what number baby/birth you’re sharing with us.

I am a mother of five describing the birth of my first waterbaby, 5 years ago after two hospital births.

What was your due date, and what was your baby’s birth date?

I was due July 28^th and baby was born July 14^th.

What was your baby’s weight and length?

Hannah was born 7 pounds 2 ounces and I don’t remember the length.  I know I’m supposed to know but I just don’t.

Exhilarated Mother holds her daughter, just seconds old

Please give a brief, one paragraph synopsis of your birth.

I have historically precipitous labors.  I also lived 50 minutes from the birth center (with no traffic).  My cervix was thinning and dilating well.  With this in mind, my midwife and I had decided to try natural induction at 38 weeks.  I came in that morning and she stripped my membranes.  I pumped and walked.  Pumped and walked. I really enjoy walking so this was actually fun for me.  My husband does not share my affinity so he decided he would sit and time the contractions.

 Things progressed through the day and the contractions built to a steady pattern.  I was checked and found to be at a 5-6 cm.  My midwife and I decided that once my water broke things would progress quickly.  She broke my water and I was allowed in the tub.  I can honestly say that the tub was one of the most amazing experiences.  I was buoyant so there was no pressure on my tailbone.  I felt lighter and much more relaxed.  I breathed and moaned through the contractions.  I prayed under my breath and my husband sang to me.  It was very peaceful.

There was no point during my labor that I felt out of control or overwhelmed.  It is an amazing thing to do this work and not feel pain.

When my daughter began to pass my cervix I felt my body involuntarily pushing.  I whispered to the midwife in training and my husband that “she is coming.”  No one moved.  So I added some intensity and structure to my sentence and asked them to get my midwife.  She came in the room before they could call for her because she heard my sounds change.  She checked me and said, “Beth, she’s right there.  You can push.”

I had never heard of someone pushing when they weren’t having a contraction.   So I gave it a try.  Amazing thing is that it worked and I delivered her head.  One more push and that tiny little girl was born.  She was so petite to me because she was 2 pounds and 2 ounces LIGHTER than the last baby I delivered.

When Hannah was born I just kept repeating, “Thank you, Jesus.”

What did you do to prepare for your labor and birth?  Did it help?

Backstory:  After two medicated hospital births I desired to have a waterbirth.  I thought I needed a hospital birth because I had been lied to about my first son’s lung issues at birth.  I had been given Demerol within an hour of his birth and this caused his lungs to not function properly.  But no one told me this.  I was simply told that he wasn’t breathing right and he’d have to be in NICU…for hours…and no, I couldn’t touch him much less hold or nurse him.  So I thought I might be endangering my children by not having them in a hospital since I clearly needed a NICU with my firstborn and it would probably happen again.  But I read for myself and found out about Demerol and decided that I didn’t need a hospital to give birth since there was nothing wrong with me.  This education helped me release the fear of being outside of a hospital. 

I also read Supernatural Childbirth by Jackie Mize.  This book changed my mindset and everything about birth belonged to the Lord.  It is a holy thing to be allowed to take part in the birth of children.  I am so thrilled that I learned how to pray about my births in a way that empowered me to let go of my control and allow God to use me.

Beth nursing her daughter Hannah shortly after her birth.

What did you like about your birth experience, if anything?

I love giving birth in the water.  It’s completely different than pushing in stirrups.  I’ve done both and I know which I’ll choose if I am allowed.  I loved my husband singing and me being able to pray and not be hindered by medical procedures and staff.

What did you not like about your birth experience, if anything?

I did not like the student midwife that attended my birth.  She was too clinical.

What surprised you about your contractions/labor?

I was surprised that the contractions were strong and effective without being painful.  I was surprised that I pushed and she almost crowned without anybody really noticing.

In reflection, would you do anything differently, either before the birth, during or after?

I bled a little after this birth and I would have rather had less blood so I could have waited a little longer to clamp the cord.  I have since learned more about herbal preparations so I now use red raspberry leaf like it’s candy.

What do you remember the most about your birth?

I remember that my husband got laid off two months before I was due and he got a call while I was in the tub.  So knowing that I labor very quickly I told him to take the call and hurry.  I knew it wouldn’t be long.  He made it back in time and got that job, too!

How was your birth experience different from what you imagined it to be like?

I really didn’t know that stripping my membranes, pumping and walking would be so effective.  I really believe it was a great combination for me in that situation.

What were your immediate emotions about yourself and or your birth experience after the birth? 

I kept having my husband tell me over and over about the birth.  Hearing how proud he was of me was amazing.  I just glowed every time he would tell someone how it all happened.

A very happy father

How would you describe your recovery?

My recovery was longer than I would like as I bled for over 6 weeks.

How has your perspective of your birth experience with Hannah changed in the last five years since the first week of having her?

I remember Hannah’s birth very fondly.  It was my first waterbirth and I am so glad we found Jeanne and Lynne (Owners of the Birth Center).

Did you learn anything about yourself through this experience?

I can pray.  I loved praying scriptures over myself and my baby during this whole pregnancy.  Prayer reminded me that God was in control of me and my body and my baby.  I don’t have to be in pain during labor.  Fear is what causes me to tense up and make labor painful.  In my experience, being in quiet and darkness and feeling safe helps tremendously in keeping out of fear.

Would you recommend having a natural childbirth or medicated childbirth to other women?

I recommend healthy women to have healthy babies in a healthy way.  Sometimes medication is what allows women to give birth to healthy babies.   Natural birth is closer to ideal, I would say.  Most people avoid natural childbirth out of fear, in my opinion.  Fear of pain.  Fear of failure.  Just plain fear.

Any further thoughts, comments or advice you would like to share?

Some women see internal exams and artificial rupture of membranes pretty close to unnecessary c-sections.  To me, every situation is different and educated women can make the decision that is best for their family.  By educated, I mean women who have heard and read and seen their options clearly explained to them.  I have no regrets about Hannah’s birth.  That is a very good feeling.

The midwife begins the newborn exam

Hi readers! Here is Beth’s second interview.  If you want to catch up and get a little more familiar with Beth, go read her first interview by clicking here.

Please give a brief description of yourself, and what number baby/birth you’re sharing with us.

I am a mother of five describing the birth of my second child, 8 years ago.

Beth, in the hospital, ready to go

What was your due date, and what was your baby’s birth date?

EDD – January 2
Delivered – January 2

What was your baby’s weight and length?

Malachi Rene was 9 pounds 4 ounces, 21 inches long.

All smiles.

Please give a brief, one paragraph synopsis of your birth.

I could tell my contractions were becoming constant and building around 5am. I decided to watch the special features to the film “The Gospel of John” while allowing hubby to sleep a few more hours. He came out at 7am and I told him it was time to go to the hospital since contractions had been 4 minutes apart for an hour. I immediately requested an epidural since my water had not broken and my contractions were still quite bearable. The anesthesiologist could not maneuver the needle due to my minor scoliosis so I told God that if He didn’t let me have an epidural then He’d have to give me the grace to get through this. (What a stupid thing to say to the God of the universe, right?!) Well the third needle insertion worked and my OB broke my water. They told me the contractions were building and I believed them since the little whirring machine said so. I was quite happy to not be in pain so I sat back and waited with everyone else. They told me to push and I did. My second son was born after only 7 hours of labor beginning to end. He was the biggest baby I had ever seen. In fact, the first thing I said when I saw him was “That’s a BIG baby!”

What did you do to prepare for your labor and birth? Did it help?

I chose an OB and hospital that were much more modern than the first one I had with child number one. I am happy to have had such a caring and considerate staff.

What did you like about your birth experience, if anything?

I am so thankful to have delivered my very large son safely.

Sweet baby boy, Malachi!

What did you not like about your birth experience, if anything?

I did not like my ridiculous contract with God. I knew there was something more to this birth thing than plugging in and having someone else tell me when to push.

What surprised you about your contractions/labor?

I was surprised that even though they told me I could be paralyzed for life I still chose to have an epidural unnecessarily.

In reflection, would you do anything differently, either before the birth, during or after?

I have done many things differently. The most important one was seeking to know the God that made me to be a mother. He has all the answers as to how birth is supposed to be.

That's a big boy!

What do you remember the most about your birth?

I remember that I was so thankful that the epidural had spared me the physical stretching of that big baby. However, even though I pushed him out very quickly there were no tears and no episiotomy.

How was your birth experience different from what you imagined it to be like?

I thought I would be more satisfied with the epidural. I thought it would help me be a part of the experience since I was disconnected from the intensity. But it turns out that the experience cannot be dissected and parts removed without altering the entire lot.

What were your immediate emotions about yourself and or your birth experience after the birth?

I was disappointed that the epidural success was so important to my feeling of satisfaction.

How would you describe your recovery?

My recovery was uneventful.

Mother and son

How has your perspective of your birth experience with Malachi changed in the last 8 years since the first week of having him?

Malachi’s birth was the last hospital birth I had. I am so glad that he was healthy and unharmed by the establishment. God protected us even in our ignorance.

Did you learn anything about yourself through this experience?

I learned that choosing to be more in control was the opposite of what I really needed. I really needed to relinquish control to my Lord in order to have the experience I was built for.

Would you recommend having a natural childbirth or medicated childbirth to other women?

My hospital experiences were far less dramatic than most who later choose natural childbirth. I am so glad that it didn’t take me a tragedy to choose a better way.

Any further thoughts, comments or advice you would like to share?

Childbirth is not an illness…So why would I go to a hospital?

A proud father with his sons.

Please keep in mind, I wear wire bras. I know that the trick with a wire bra is to have a proper fit.  The wire should not dig into any of your breast tissue  - meaning the wire should lay on your rib cage, just outside of your breast.  When you’ve got full breasts wearing a wireless bra is not always an option – they just don’t support the girls the same way a wire does.  Please remember, if you do start wearing a wire nursing bra to do it *after* your engorgement stage.

Not sure on your fit to begin with – especially while nursing? Then check out my post on finding the right fit for you:  You Might Be Wearing The Wrong Size Bra.

Here’s some photo examples of one of my (finished) converted bras:

My homemade nursing bra. Click on the image to view it larger.

You can see how I hand stitched the claps in. Click on the image to view it larger.

Beth’s first birth story is a hard one.  The disconnect that she experienced during her labor and lack of concern that surrounded her birth leaves me with a sinking feeling in my heart.  But it is the first story in a sequence of Beth’s birth stories that show her growth and empowerment in labor and birth.  Beth is the mother of five beautiful children and each of their birth stories will be told through The Birth Interview Project.

I feel compelled to share with you a little about Beth before you read her story. I met Beth while I worked at Inanna Birth and Women’s Center as a birth assistant.  I remember last December being called in for a birth, I quietly walked into the room thinking that I would see a mother showing the typical signs of heavy labor; to my surprise I saw Beth standing, swaying her hips back and forth, her hands resting on her belly, laughing, in mid conversation with her husband, son and midwife.  Initially, I thought I was called in too early for assistance, only to find out from the midwife that Beth was 9 cms dilated and would shortly deliver her baby (in the water, a beautiful little girl, – but you’ll read that story later).  

Being that I was around 30 weeks pregnant, I walked away from Beth’s birth with awe.  I took her birth experience, meditated on it and allowed it to paint of picture of what birth – even my own approaching birth – could look like.

Beth soon became a friend and continues to pour encouragement into my life on a regular basis.  Some people are gifted that way, and she is one of those who just oozes appreciation and validation on to you.   Beyond that, I have to say, she gave me one of the best and most practical gift-basket-of-a-shower gift(s) I have ever received! Plus, I’m really glad that I have a friend who has so much experience in the mothering department.  She’s raising five children between the ages of 13 and 1 – I can always go to her with my new (HELP, WHAT DO I DO NOW?) mom questions.  Thank you, Beth!  

I know you will enjoy reading Beth’s progression of  birth stories. Here is Beth’s first interview on the birth of her son, Trey.

Trey, now 13 years old, holding his youngest sister, Rebekah.

Please give a brief description of yourself, and what number baby/birth you’re sharing with us.

I am a mother of five sharing with you the birth of my first child, 13 years ago.

What was your due date, and what was your baby’s birth date?

EDD – April 12
Birthdate – April 2

What was Michael Atreyu’s (Trey) weight and length?

8 pounds 6 oz., 21 inches long.

Please give a brief, one paragraph synopsis of your birth.

I had been having Braxton Hicks for weeks but nothing building or growing. My water broke at 1:07 AM. We drove to the hospital where I was admitted at 3cm. I was prepped with a mandatory enema and shave. I was left alone with hard and long contractions while my husband waited in the lobby. No one went to tell him he could come in. This left me feeling abandoned and alone at such a vulnerable time. I was told I could have an epidural when I got to a five so I consoled myself with every contraction knowing that it would only be a short while before I was whisked away to a happy place where all is perfect and you feel no pain. My contractions were very effective but the nurses refused to check me for 2 hours saying that I couldn’t have progressed that far. When I threw up I was hysterical. I knew I was in transition and they wouldn’t give me an epidural now. I was right. When my husband finally convinced them to check me I was at 8cm. I was inconsolable and angry. How could they have ignored me for so long? They gave me a narcotic to calm me and my son was born 30 minutes later with 2 pushes and an unnecessary, unrequested and unapproved episiotomy. He had trouble breathing and they whisked him to the NICU. I was not allowed to touch my son for six hours and I just didn’t care. The drugs had made sure of that. From water breaking to delivery it was exactly 5 1/2 hours.

What did you do to prepare for your labor and birth? Did it help?

I was an expert on hospital births and interventions. I had read everything there was about hospital interventions and pain management options. I took the childbirth education class at the hospital. It did not help me because the hospital staff and the doctor never once listened to me or asked for my informed consent for even one intervention.

Beth holding her son, Trey, for the first time.

What did you like about your birth experience, if anything?

I loved my husband’s pride in my ability to give him a son. I was quite happy with the pushing phase since that is typically advertised as the hard part. It was not difficult. It was a relief to me. It felt like the only right thing to do at that moment.

What did you not like about your birth experience, if anything?

I do not like being told how to breathe. I still to this day do not like people telling me to be quiet. One of the L&D nurses insisted that I not make any noise while pushing because it reduced my effectiveness. Apparently not! I did not like being cut without consent nor the slightest warning. I didn’t like being left in recovery cold and completely alone. I didn’t like being lied to about my son’s breathing which was CLEARLY a side effect of the narcotic  - which I didn’t learn about until ten years later when I read that this was one of the most common negative reactions in newborns.

What surprised you about your contractions/labor?

I was surprised at how good it felt to push.

In reflection, would you do anything differently, either before the birth, during or after?

I would never again allow myself to be given unnecessary interventions by a protocol that was built to suit the facilitators and not the guests.

What do you remember the most about your birth?

I remember the hopelessness of having my baby on my stomach and not being able to even touch him. I remember his frog-like croaks as they took him from the room. I remember looking at him through the nursery room window and not really connecting emotionally that this was my child.

How was your birth experience different from what you imagined it to be like?

I imagined caring more. The drugs hindered my desire and ability to be a mother.

What were your immediate emotions about yourself and or your birth experience after the birth?

I was proud to have delivered a child without the sitcom screaming and cursing during pushing.

How would you describe your recovery?

I recovered relatively quickly. I became addicted to the epi bottle, used it for months.

How has your perspective of your birth experience with Trey changed in the last 13 years since the first week of having him?

I am still angry as I write how my experience was marred. But I am empowered to educate everyone who will listen that it doesn’t have to be this way. There is a better way.

Did you learn anything about yourself through this experience?

I learned that I am strong enough. I don’t have to have an altered experience to complete a job I was made to excel at.

Beth with Trey.

Would you recommend having a natural childbirth or medicated childbirth to other women?

I recommend with all my heart a natural childbirth experience. I have had Demerol (with #1), epidural (with #2) and unmedicated natural waterbirths (with #3-#5). I feel like someone who has lived in the darkness and walked into the light.

Any further thoughts, comments or advice you would like to share?

I am disgusted at the fact that my son was put into NICU by a drug that was administered to me much too late in order to console me for a lack of attention and care by the staff. If anyone had paid attention they would have recognized my precipitous labor and guided me toward a less traumatic result.